Monday, July 20, 2009

behind the curtain

Today we learned that mom's time at Sherrill House is coming to an end. She is not progressing enough in all therapies for insurance to justify keeping her there. It's a sad truth and now we are scrambling to handle the next steps as expediently as we can, and with as much grace and dignity for mom's sake as we can.

I'm spent, wasted, tired. I think we all are. You fight and fight and sometimes, it's just not enough. That is the sad truth sometimes. And maybe it will be different six months from now, a year from now,maybe she will be in better shape then.. I haven't given up hope. No way. But we have to deal with the here and now and we have to deal with it immediately and, in many ways , divorced from our emotions about it. Believe me you just do not get through something like this without compartmentalizing. We've been faced with cold reality after cold reality. It's just numbing at times.

I realize that I have been getting frustrated with mom, trying to train her to do things for herself, acknowledge the right side of her vision, think about the question before answering after thoroughly thinking it through, ask for help when she doesn't understand or when she needs help. I know she tries, but we have just been so "under the gun" for her to continually make progress that the urgency has been showing. Every day we are, once again, in the same position- to constantly and continually remind her of the same things over and over. Just not enough progress. The call has been made.

since the stroke, there's been but a scant few times I've cracked a little in the same room as mom. When it does happen, I do whatever I can to mask it, or I leave the room. She doesn't need to see it. She's got enough on her plate. I look at it this way: I've got no business cracking in front of her. But tonight, before I was about to leave, I asked her how she was feeling. "Okay", she said. "Not great, but okay." "I just want to go home. I miss my garden. I love my garden", she said. "I just wish this didn't have to happen". I got out just in time.

7 comments:

  1. I cracked tonight reading this. We are on the same page, Kathy. Thank you for this post.

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  2. My heart goes out to you all.

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  3. Big huge hugs to you all. I am so sorry to hear that things are not working as you all hoped they would. There is still a blessing in all of this though, a silver lining that is the most important thing to all of you. You still have Dolly and maybe right now she has gotten to a plateau but all of you will in time find a way to break through it and move further forward which is what all of you want.

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  4. Hi Kathy, My beloved Dad had a stroke six years ago. It was a massive stroke that left him with aphasia and apraxia. Our world was never the same. It is heartfelt to read. My best blessings to you, your family and your mom.

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  5. Trinda-- oh I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you , your dad and your family.

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  6. Beading, Thanks so much for the note - I really appreciate it. We are so appreciative of what we do have.

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